All of a sudden it is the last day of 2009.

It has been a year to remember, at least. I got some good stretching in. For example, the learning of Spanish, the farming in Iceland, the escape from Google, the meandering about Paris with a lover, the pretty successful complete switching of career tracks.

For all the things that have happened this year. For all the things I've done, I think it's those walks along the Seine or the beach at Coronado or the car rides to it doesn't matter where with John's fingers tangled up in mine that are my proudest bit of this year. Falling in love with him was the bravest, most dangerous, most terrifying and probably best thing I've ever done.

I've spent probably too much time trying to understand what it all means, but today I don't want any answers. Today I just want to know that it happened, and that I was there.

Coming to my senses

I am not known for my acute sense of smell. When there is a bad smelling thing, I can't smell it. When there is a good smelling thing, I probably can't smell it.

Except all of a sudden there are smells everywhere. The wreath practically jumps off the door at me when I walk by and the enormous tree in the living room that we all decided had no scent at all was filling my lungs with forest scent as I read the Fountainhead the other day. Things that I specifically could not smell have smells, strong smells.

It's extraordinary. It's like. It's as if there were colors, and then they turned into crazy bright colors. Hypersensual. It feels hypersensual. Incredible, just incredible.

Holiday times

This has not been my best week. I've been rather close to my surface, which, in its own way, I think, is good for me -- to be simply true in public like that.

I am thankful for the holidays and the lots of family that has filled them. That's what I'm hoping to remember of these short days that feel so long.

To more of merriment and brightness.

Anything but that

Gasp. My mother has suggested the unthinkable. Celiac.

Wheat gluten is one of my most favorite things ever. My falling victim to the cruelty of celiac would be a foul trick of fate.

The problem is this: I honestly really did try to eat lots of iron this past month. Still no red meat, but I ate every iron rich thing vegetarians can eat and lots of it. Black beans, raisins, ferrous fumarate. I don't think I've ever eaten so many beans. I even ate turkey and chicken and fish. And to be still so low doesn't bode well.

Add to this the fact that my family has accused me of being anemic since my lips turned white at college ten years ago. No one can recollect ever seeing me with properly red lips. And I've never been rejected from the Red Cross before, but what I've neglected to mention is that I've always been almost rejected. Details, details.

And all these tell tale symptoms of anemia sound so familiar. I never thought they were a big deal. Yes, my fingers get tingly easily. Plenty of reasons for that to happen. Yes, on rare occasions I feel particularly dizzy, bump into walls when walking through doorways, and become a butterfingers. I actually choose cellphones to be able to withstand the many many times I am likely to fling them from my fingers, but A. that doesn't happen too often and B. everybody drops stuff sometimes. Yes, I get the rapid poundy heart when I probably shouldn't considering how much I ride my bicycle, but I definitely don't have pica or... damn is that really the only one I don't have? Is that why my lips are always cracked?

But celiac. Noooooooo. No no no. And yet Web MD does say it can lead to anemia caused by iron and or folic acid deficiency, which could explain why my supposedly iron-rich diet made no difference. But none of this celiac-specific stuff sounds familiar. And not the leukemia either, THANK GOD. Please, please I promise to be so good. I will put molasses and raisins in everything. I will eat red meat. I will eat cheese and folic acid for just in case. Just don't let it be celiac!

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post script

Ferrous fumarate supposedly has the most elemental iron of any of the forms commonly available as supplements, but they say adults need 60-200mg of iron daily. About a third of the weight of ferrous fumarate is elemental iron, so the normal 325mg tablets should do it, but I just looked at my bottle, and it says it includes 18mg of iron. In other words, no where near enough for someone who actually needs lots more iron. This is good news, I think. I think it is totally reasonable to at least do another dietary experiment before jumping to celiac. I will look for new vitamins.

Holy Toledo

The newest lab result to come in is labeled Ferritin. Supposedly the standard range is 22-291 ng/mL, and Wikipedia says I should be concerned about anything under 50. Mine says 4. Four! 4 is significantly less than 50! WebMD says even 6 month old babies should have at least twice that!

The internet says that probably means I really don't have any iron in my system. Eek. That would explain why my sisters tease me about looking like I have lip liner around my white lips all the time. (White lips being an indication of anemia). How low must it have been before if 4 is what I get when I'm feeling relatively ok??

I guess that answers the iron vs. vitamin B12 question. Although maybe my B12 is low too. But dang. I am an itty bit concerned that it could have gotten so low while I've been making such a concerted effort to keep it up. Maybe I will email this new doctor of mine to ask her what I should make of this.

Duuuuuuude. Wikipedia says that low levels of iron can also give you the jimmylegs. Crazy. What if that has been the tingle I always feel in the back of my legs that makes me stretch all the time such that I can now touch my nose to my knees with my legs straight? I suspect it also means I'm craving exercise, but still! Revelation upon revelation! It's like a mystery novel that is all coming together!

According to WebMD, difficulty concentrating is another symptom of anemia. I bet that's why I had such a hard time studying for my last two finals because normally I am a master of concentration, but sometimes I just can't do it for the life of me. My mind is being blown right now.

I wonder what it feels like to have so called normal levels of iron in your system. Maybe I would turn into a superhuman. I probably would. My god, the more I read about this stuff, iron sounds like a miracle cure to every thing I've sort of just come to accept as normal.

So ok, people, the next time you see me looking out of it and always holding on to stuff when I walk, make me eat a nice juicy hamburger, stat. I hereby give up all claim to ever becoming vegetarian. This confirms my suspicion that we really are complex chemical reactions influenced in large part by what we eat.

Results are in

Score one for Kaiser Permanente today. I've already gotten back results from this morning's lab tests, and wouldn't you know I was indeed shy of the normal range for hemoglobin, even for a girl. Coming close on hemocrit too, which I think is good news. Good news because what I suspect it means is that I should start feeling a lot better after a few days of pairing my iron vitamins with clementines. Not a bad prescription, if I may say so myself.

But just think! Maybe all I have to do when I get the wobbly water legs, the shaky hand, and the inexplicable malaise is eat citrus with a spoonful of molasses. Seems like as good an excuse as any to bake gingerbread, no? I still suspect it wouldn't hurt to throw in a cup of cottage cheese for good measure. It's a wonder how much easier it is to make the most of your day when it doesn't feel like you're walking through sand.

I also traded in my old doctor for a new one who looks like she'll be a thousand and one times better than my old one, who I did not like at all. And still in walking distance of my apartment.

All in due time

Thinking about love today. And what-all it means. I used to think love should be easy. And I know I'm the first to want to run away. But maybe there is something to the magnetism of mixed tears. Maybe it's better not always to be in charge. Maybe it's better not always to get what you want or to be not always right. Maybe by giving up a few things you can make something bigger than yourself.

Last night's conversation turned lightly to dowries. What would you want to love someone forever? Fifteen white horses? A fancy yacht? Diamonds? A rural estate with a greenhouse and dark room? A cabin? An island in the Mediterranean? Without thinking, I came out with - good intentions. I just don't think fifteen horses would be much without that, and, even then, the horses would just be icing on the cake.

Its ugly head

I am hoping this morning on the miracle of modern medicine. With any luck, I'm just a few blood tests away from chalking up the terribleness of this week to an easy fix vitamin deficiency. I could be just a few sips of water from shaking the awful, awful image of last night's dream from my waking mind. I could be just a niblet of cheese from the sense that my legs are made of bones instead of water when I walk.

Paysages and points of interest, by Bernard Buffet

It's true

Light is indeed preferable to darkness. Especially when solitary.