All of a sudden it is the last day of 2009.

It has been a year to remember, at least. I got some good stretching in. For example, the learning of Spanish, the farming in Iceland, the escape from Google, the meandering about Paris with a lover, the pretty successful complete switching of career tracks.

For all the things that have happened this year. For all the things I've done, I think it's those walks along the Seine or the beach at Coronado or the car rides to it doesn't matter where with John's fingers tangled up in mine that are my proudest bit of this year. Falling in love with him was the bravest, most dangerous, most terrifying and probably best thing I've ever done.

I've spent probably too much time trying to understand what it all means, but today I don't want any answers. Today I just want to know that it happened, and that I was there.

Coming to my senses

I am not known for my acute sense of smell. When there is a bad smelling thing, I can't smell it. When there is a good smelling thing, I probably can't smell it.

Except all of a sudden there are smells everywhere. The wreath practically jumps off the door at me when I walk by and the enormous tree in the living room that we all decided had no scent at all was filling my lungs with forest scent as I read the Fountainhead the other day. Things that I specifically could not smell have smells, strong smells.

It's extraordinary. It's like. It's as if there were colors, and then they turned into crazy bright colors. Hypersensual. It feels hypersensual. Incredible, just incredible.

Holiday times

This has not been my best week. I've been rather close to my surface, which, in its own way, I think, is good for me -- to be simply true in public like that.

I am thankful for the holidays and the lots of family that has filled them. That's what I'm hoping to remember of these short days that feel so long.

To more of merriment and brightness.

Anything but that

Gasp. My mother has suggested the unthinkable. Celiac.

Wheat gluten is one of my most favorite things ever. My falling victim to the cruelty of celiac would be a foul trick of fate.

The problem is this: I honestly really did try to eat lots of iron this past month. Still no red meat, but I ate every iron rich thing vegetarians can eat and lots of it. Black beans, raisins, ferrous fumarate. I don't think I've ever eaten so many beans. I even ate turkey and chicken and fish. And to be still so low doesn't bode well.

Add to this the fact that my family has accused me of being anemic since my lips turned white at college ten years ago. No one can recollect ever seeing me with properly red lips. And I've never been rejected from the Red Cross before, but what I've neglected to mention is that I've always been almost rejected. Details, details.

And all these tell tale symptoms of anemia sound so familiar. I never thought they were a big deal. Yes, my fingers get tingly easily. Plenty of reasons for that to happen. Yes, on rare occasions I feel particularly dizzy, bump into walls when walking through doorways, and become a butterfingers. I actually choose cellphones to be able to withstand the many many times I am likely to fling them from my fingers, but A. that doesn't happen too often and B. everybody drops stuff sometimes. Yes, I get the rapid poundy heart when I probably shouldn't considering how much I ride my bicycle, but I definitely don't have pica or... damn is that really the only one I don't have? Is that why my lips are always cracked?

But celiac. Noooooooo. No no no. And yet Web MD does say it can lead to anemia caused by iron and or folic acid deficiency, which could explain why my supposedly iron-rich diet made no difference. But none of this celiac-specific stuff sounds familiar. And not the leukemia either, THANK GOD. Please, please I promise to be so good. I will put molasses and raisins in everything. I will eat red meat. I will eat cheese and folic acid for just in case. Just don't let it be celiac!

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post script

Ferrous fumarate supposedly has the most elemental iron of any of the forms commonly available as supplements, but they say adults need 60-200mg of iron daily. About a third of the weight of ferrous fumarate is elemental iron, so the normal 325mg tablets should do it, but I just looked at my bottle, and it says it includes 18mg of iron. In other words, no where near enough for someone who actually needs lots more iron. This is good news, I think. I think it is totally reasonable to at least do another dietary experiment before jumping to celiac. I will look for new vitamins.

Holy Toledo

The newest lab result to come in is labeled Ferritin. Supposedly the standard range is 22-291 ng/mL, and Wikipedia says I should be concerned about anything under 50. Mine says 4. Four! 4 is significantly less than 50! WebMD says even 6 month old babies should have at least twice that!

The internet says that probably means I really don't have any iron in my system. Eek. That would explain why my sisters tease me about looking like I have lip liner around my white lips all the time. (White lips being an indication of anemia). How low must it have been before if 4 is what I get when I'm feeling relatively ok??

I guess that answers the iron vs. vitamin B12 question. Although maybe my B12 is low too. But dang. I am an itty bit concerned that it could have gotten so low while I've been making such a concerted effort to keep it up. Maybe I will email this new doctor of mine to ask her what I should make of this.

Duuuuuuude. Wikipedia says that low levels of iron can also give you the jimmylegs. Crazy. What if that has been the tingle I always feel in the back of my legs that makes me stretch all the time such that I can now touch my nose to my knees with my legs straight? I suspect it also means I'm craving exercise, but still! Revelation upon revelation! It's like a mystery novel that is all coming together!

According to WebMD, difficulty concentrating is another symptom of anemia. I bet that's why I had such a hard time studying for my last two finals because normally I am a master of concentration, but sometimes I just can't do it for the life of me. My mind is being blown right now.

I wonder what it feels like to have so called normal levels of iron in your system. Maybe I would turn into a superhuman. I probably would. My god, the more I read about this stuff, iron sounds like a miracle cure to every thing I've sort of just come to accept as normal.

So ok, people, the next time you see me looking out of it and always holding on to stuff when I walk, make me eat a nice juicy hamburger, stat. I hereby give up all claim to ever becoming vegetarian. This confirms my suspicion that we really are complex chemical reactions influenced in large part by what we eat.

Results are in

Score one for Kaiser Permanente today. I've already gotten back results from this morning's lab tests, and wouldn't you know I was indeed shy of the normal range for hemoglobin, even for a girl. Coming close on hemocrit too, which I think is good news. Good news because what I suspect it means is that I should start feeling a lot better after a few days of pairing my iron vitamins with clementines. Not a bad prescription, if I may say so myself.

But just think! Maybe all I have to do when I get the wobbly water legs, the shaky hand, and the inexplicable malaise is eat citrus with a spoonful of molasses. Seems like as good an excuse as any to bake gingerbread, no? I still suspect it wouldn't hurt to throw in a cup of cottage cheese for good measure. It's a wonder how much easier it is to make the most of your day when it doesn't feel like you're walking through sand.

I also traded in my old doctor for a new one who looks like she'll be a thousand and one times better than my old one, who I did not like at all. And still in walking distance of my apartment.

All in due time

Thinking about love today. And what-all it means. I used to think love should be easy. And I know I'm the first to want to run away. But maybe there is something to the magnetism of mixed tears. Maybe it's better not always to be in charge. Maybe it's better not always to get what you want or to be not always right. Maybe by giving up a few things you can make something bigger than yourself.

Last night's conversation turned lightly to dowries. What would you want to love someone forever? Fifteen white horses? A fancy yacht? Diamonds? A rural estate with a greenhouse and dark room? A cabin? An island in the Mediterranean? Without thinking, I came out with - good intentions. I just don't think fifteen horses would be much without that, and, even then, the horses would just be icing on the cake.

Its ugly head

I am hoping this morning on the miracle of modern medicine. With any luck, I'm just a few blood tests away from chalking up the terribleness of this week to an easy fix vitamin deficiency. I could be just a few sips of water from shaking the awful, awful image of last night's dream from my waking mind. I could be just a niblet of cheese from the sense that my legs are made of bones instead of water when I walk.

Paysages and points of interest, by Bernard Buffet

It's true

Light is indeed preferable to darkness. Especially when solitary.

Still life, by Bernard Buffet

Birds, by Bernard Buffet

This is the bird that started my obsession in the first place:

Dang me

So so close to being done. Just one last final to study for. It's nudging up to my normal bedtime and I've still got 2/3rds of my notes to review.

So I'm boiling water for a little black tea - at 11pm, yes, I may never get to sleep - and I've just queued up Buck Owens in my iTunes. If he doesn't perk me up, nothing will.

Insects, by Bernard Buffet

I don't think I've ever actually posted anything about one of my favorite artists, M. Bernard Buffet, painter, lithographer, Frenchman.

Here are some of his insects. Beautiful stuff. Butterflies still haven't gotten old. Or maybe it's that he makes them new again.

The epistolary underworld

Cleaning out one of my drawers in search of my Social Security Card, I chanced upon a stash of letters that might have been written or may yet some day be written. About loss. About regret. About love.

For example:

Dear Lisa,

I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to write you back. I am so grateful that you sent back Liza's birthday negatives. It was so kind to take the roll of film and even have it developed; most people would have thrown it in the trashcan. We were on Berkeley Campus that day because my brother went to Grad School there & he was showing us the campus. How amazing for it to be the role [sp.] of film with her name & school in the picture. She rarely wears that sweatshirt, but since we were ice skating, she took it with her. Thank you again for your generosity; I would have been disappointed to lose those pictures. It was her 8th birthday. Again - sorry this took so long, but I wanted to let you know that your efforts were greatly appreciated.

Fondly,
Margaret Jones

I am reminded of Ella Chase. There is the question about the distinction in nobility between the literary and physical worlds. I just hope things turn out better this time.

Tassin

I've been on an antique map kick this week and with the end of finals in sight, I've been itching to do a little decorating around the apartment.

I already busted out my 1610 map of Scotland and I really want to frame my little gravure du Mont St. Michel, which is a colorized, postcard-sized version of this:


I am loving this Nicolas Tassin. If only I had his printmaking skillz. Why was everything prettier in the 17th century?

False alarm

Ok so it would be an overstatement to say I was actually worried about that Permaculture pop final last week, but there were definitely a few answers I made up entirely so when he offered to hand our tests back after class today I was considering maintaining my blissful ignorance of whatever grade he might decide to give me for it.

But all my potential worry was for naught! He liked mine so much he asked to keep it as an example to share. How's that for a surprise!

Holed up

All of this studying and cozy cold weather are giving me an odd combination of cabin fever and cravings for curl up tea time.

I've got the tea covered. I think I've been drinking upwards of a litre a day, but I could use a good lap to curl up in. Ideally in someone else's cabin.

Three for three

I have made contact with the Suding lab at Berkeley. I shall be chatting about possible volunteer projects with its head when they open back up in January!

If only it were this easy to convince people to hire you when you're not working for free. Now all I need to do is figure out how to have a life on top of all this exciting school-ness.

Fictional employment

I was listening to Barry Lopez' "The Mappist" on Selected Shorts last night as I scribbled, snipped, and sketched away at my Restoration final project last night, and towards the end of the story the narrator mentions that his daughter wants to be an environmental historian, and he's hoping to hook her up with this badass map maker who goes around hand drawing maps of every possible cool thing, such as the location of temporary streams, populations of predator and prey species of a given area over time, sites of historical interest, the movement of water in cities municipal and otherwise. Both jobs would be pretty cool, really - drawing the maps or writing the historical interpretation. Pretty niche work of the sort Modern Technology has deprioritized, making it hard to make a living, but still, wouldn't that be great? Hiking around, monitoring bird species, getting a good feeling of the land, creating a magnum opus.

Were you aware of it? vol. 24: How to eat a persimmon

By nature I distrust the Hachiya persimmon (above). Naive to their sinister ways, I once bit into one of their kind when it was far softer than any other fruit I consider palatable, but it was Not Soft Enough! Anyone who has fallen victim to the Hachiya persimmon, who has bitten into them when they retain even the slightest hint of cellular structure knows that the experience is cruel. For the uninitiated, imagine that chalkiness that coats your mouth when you eat a banana that is a little bit too green and then multiply that slight unpleasantness by a million until it is unusual punishment.

I did, however, chance upon a strategy to render even the meanspirited Hachiya harmless. The trick: freeze it. Pop your persimmon in the freezer for 24 hours, then stick it in the refridgerator (or out on the counter if you're going to eat it right away) until it defrosts, and it will be edible mush. Once the stem-let has been removed, this blob can be plopped into oatmeal as a pretty decent sweetener. Or you could whip up some persimmon pudding.

Nevertheless, as someone who prefers to eat most fruits when they have the texture of an apple (peaches and plums notwithstanding), the Hachiya persimmon is not incredibly appealing. I prefer it's friendlier cousin the Fuyu (below). The glorious Fuyu can be eaten raw when it's hard as a rock, just the way I like it. You can toss them in salads or just bite fearlessly into them. Fuyus, in my humble experience, are also not as sickly sweet as Hachiyas, which further raises them in my esteem.

In any case, you have been forewarned. You may now venture forth and enjoy these fruits which may well be at the peak of their season.

Mid finals crunch

Papers are being written, projects are being constructed, exam material is being reviewed.

I am looking forward to an art-filled winter break, but am also pleased with how much I've absorbed over the past few months. Considering I knew next to nothing about plants when I started - other than that mine seem to like the amount of water I give them - I am pretty pleased with how this semester has gone. Even if I don't use this info professionally, I'm glad to have studied it. I'm feeling pretty decent about grad school, even.

It would be cool to find a way to make art about plants. So far I've been trying to up the creativity of my school projects. My restoration plant journal was called out Sunday as the most beautiful thing the prof had ever seen (plant journal-wise) since she started teaching the class. And it wasn't that it was pretty, but that I wanted to make it useful for me, which she picked up on. I wanted it to be something I liked, not just a bit of stuff I had to do for a class once. When I get it back, I want to add more to it.

I feel like I haven't seen anyone in ages, but solitary as it's been, I feel my time has been well spent. The transition from 60+ hour work weeks to student freedom has gone well. I just need to learn better how to allow myself to have free time I feel good about.

It feels good to be thinking and have ideas for the future again.

Teacher's pet

Or, Ask and you shall receive

My Soils prof pulled me aside before class to ask if A. I wanted him to introduce me to his Agro Ecology pal at UC Davis who is doing soil research and could give me a few pointers. Yes please, I said. and B. that his wife mentioned that I'd mentioned that I was interested in soils and would I be interested in being the lab assistant for next semester's Plant Nutrition class. Yes!

Apparently he was expecting to have to sell me on it. I don't think there's any money involved, but dude if I'm taking the class anyway, it seems like a pretty sweet deal. So I'll probably be getting letters of rec from a husband and wife team. At least they have different last names, but as far as I'm concerned, if you've got someone willing to help you out, you might as well milk it for all it's worth.

And can I just say that I was a little concerned at the beginning of the semester that I wasn't doing enough to get myself into grad school being at community college, but damn there really is something to being the one kid showing initiative.

So far, so good

Took the grand tour of the USDA research facility in Albany today, or at least the ground floor and basement and chatted it up with Dr. Ponciano and the head of her lab. She is amazing, by the way, Dr. Ponciano, or Grisel, as I know her now. She is the bundle of positive energy you want to work for no matter what it is specifically you'd be doing.

As luck would have it, I should be gearing up to get my volunteer on in her lab (or Bill Belknap's lab, to be precise) in January. I shall get my own specific project that I can work on till I'm carried off to grad school hopefully some time in 2011. And I'm feeling good about whatever might happen between now and then.

Bill Belknap's advice for posterity:
1. Go into science because you love it.
Science won't make you rich, and it won't get you the babes.

2. Don't rule out universities with small programs.
Even if it's not tier 1 famous, a lot of the smaller programs have good people. You are in it for the long term. You want to have a decent quality of life so you're not burnt out in five years.

3. Find an advisor who you can get along with.
It doesn't matter what the person is reasearching. Grad school should not be about shouting and tears.

4. Find a post-doc with someone - ideally in the National Academy - who will go to bat for you.
Working for a famous person who views you as competition for grant money will do nothing to further your career. Better to work for a decent human being who wants you to succeed. Shocking as it may sound, lots of famous scientists will make a proactive effort to destroy your career so that they won't need to compete with you for grants. Do not work for these people.